What Triggers Rejection?

Rejection.

It’s a complicated feeling with far-reaching implications.

Rarely do I see it coming. Usually, it catches me off guard, even though I try my hardest to dodge the humiliation.

It can be as subtle as someone walking up to me and another person while having eye contact and conversation only with her.

Or it can be the view of a clique that I am not a part of, or hearing of the fun times had by others where I was not included.

Maybe it is seeing that woman at the grocery store that I longed to be friends with, thought we had a lot in common together, yet she has shown no interest in a friendship with me. She seems so chummy with others. Why not me?

It could be someone I have tried to encourage but they were not interested in reciprocating the concern when I opened up to them. Someone only “taking” is draining to me as I come to the awareness that I am in a one-sided relationship. The conclusion learned is that I am not worth their effort.

Sometimes it comes from the awareness that I have failed to meet another person’s expectations, not measured up………again.

What  Causes the Problem of Rejection?

Rejection can happen in our workplaces, in our churches, and even in our own homes.

It can come from co-workers, acquaintances, friends, or family.

What makes it so painful is when it comes from our “own”, those with whom we would consider it likely to have relationships or intimacy. Strangers rebuffing us would not matter like those in our own community. Our own community, these are the ones who have the ability to inflict the most pain.

That’s exactly where Jesus finds Himself.

And I know, that’s where many of us do as well.

John 1:1-12 says,

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There was a man sent from God whose name was John. 

He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; and he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.

He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

What Does John Teach Us About Rejection?

As I read through the gospels this year, I am struck by the fact that John begins his gospel with the acknowledgment of Jesus experiencing rejection. Isn’t it interesting that it is this fact that he chose to communicate? Of all that a man could say about another Man, John described the emotional challenge of rejection that Jesus suffered.

Furthermore, as I study the book of John, it begins to make perfect sense to me. John himself was an emotional man, so it’s no wonder that he would emphasize the emotional aspect of Jesus’ life and trials. His book alone has an overarching theme of “love”. It is mentioned 39 times, more than any of the other gospels by far, and he refers to himself as the “disciple whom Jesus loved” 5 different times.

Since John was very much in tune to the emotion of love, it is understandable that he picks up on the concept of rejection. Because rejection makes a person feel anything BUT loved. In fact, it creates the feeling of being UNLOVED.

But is that the only negative side-effect from suffering rejection?

Discouragement

Humiliation  

Unworthiness  

Loneliness  

Isolation

Depression

Bitterness

Resentment

Insecurity

Jealousy

Envy

Anger

What is the Rejection Cycle?

Often, I have seen how the cycle can spiral out of control in my own life.

Sensing rejection, I feel a sense of unworthiness. This, in turn, kicks in my perfectionism, reminding me (falsely) that I am not good enough. Therefore, I determine I need to try harder, which never really alleviates the issue. (If people reject you, trying harder usually does not change that.)

Admittedly, this leaves me feeling discouraged because I cannot fix the problem. I become increasingly insecure.  I feel judged inferior, unsatisfactory. Defeat sets in as it becomes impossible to gain the affection I feel deprived of. I begin to feel resentment over not being found worthy of acceptance.

I decide I don’t want or need it anyway. If I can’t change “them”, I will change what I “want”. I become hardened in my heart in an effort to protect myself. This, in turn, makes me guarded around others as I attempt to circumvent any future rejection. I soon find myself isolated…….and if I’m completely honest, bitter.

Can I Be Honest About the Rejection in My Life?

From the outside, I’m sure no one would suspect that I struggle with rejection. I have been told I appear confident, “perfect”, even intimidating.

It’s interesting what can be going on inwardly and how that differs from outward perceptions.

I have been in leadership most of my life, but what most do not know is how it takes so much out of me to fulfill the roles in which God chooses to use me. 2 Corinthians 4:7 explains the reality well.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

What Are We Doing to Cope with Rejection?

Often, I find my coping mechanism kicks in during social situations.

Actually, I am much more comfortable “giving” than allowing the opportunity to receive. I have the tendency to want to focus the conversation on the other person, this keeps me from allowing any expectation that would ultimately become a disappointment.

Inside, I am trying my hardest to be guarded, seeking to protect my heart at all costs.

There can be a never-ending cycle of emotions, a chain reaction if you will, that results from feeling rejected. I have learned that the devil wants nothing more than for God’s children to identify, and ultimately become captivated, in this debilitating cycle of negativity. It can separate us one from another, further making us vulnerable toward a downward spiral of sin. I see where this can lead. I don’t want to be a bitter woman, holding grievances against people, either to their face or behind their back. This does not glorify the Lord.

Even worse, it can affect our own relationship with God.

From the above passage in John, we can see how Jesus was faced with a  set of circumstances that could have easily sent Him reeling, yet He responded in such a way that contradicted the cycle.

What Are the Root Issues of Feeling Rejected?

If we look closely, we can learn the root issues of feeling rejected in hope to learn how to break the cycle.

1) Recognition– Even though worth is established and value deserved (I.E. world being made through Jesus or our God-given worth) others do not acknowledge or recognize it. It is as though the person is not understood for who they really are. The temptation is to allow the worth/value of one person to be conditional upon recognition of it from others. This can easily happen when people don’t know someone well enough. This is one level of rejection.

2) Reception– It is one thing when people don’t “recognize” us, it is far worse when they choose not to receive us. This is a deeper level of rejection, as described when Jesus was not received by HIS OWN. Therefore, the expectation is that He should have been received but instead, He was not. This infers a closer community, people who should have known someone well enough to consequently value and love them.

When we do not feel understood, or recognized for having any value, if we haven’t been accepted, this can leave an injury. It’s as if our hearts have taken a direct hit.

Now what?

What Can We Learn from the Ultimate Example?

As an illustration, we see that Jesus experienced all of this rejection and MORE! Yet we do not see Him an angry, bitter person. We see Him continue to love fully and selflessly, heal and teach, save and redeem.

How? What can we learn from Him to help us deal with rejection better?

1) First, He chose not to internalize the offense. He didn’t allow their opinion of Him to supersede or invalidate God’s.

2) Also, Jesus chose to forgive the offenders and did not dwell on their sin against Him.

3) Additionally, He chose not to look for a man to meet His emotional needs first or foremost. That is uniquely and perfectly suited for God alone.

4) Our Lord chose to keep moving forward in life with God’s purpose for Him, giving His attention to what or who came next. He did not “shut down” wallowing in pity parties.

5) He chose to focus on the few given to Him by God as His closest companions, holding different expectations for everyone else.

6) In the end, He understood that ALL were flawed and sinners and no one could meet His needs apart from His Father.

In essence, we see Jesus make a choice each time He was rejected. He chose not to receive those moments as an “offense”. He did not allow it to make a home in His heart.

Jesus chose not to allow each moment of rejection to make a home in His heart. Share on X

What Can We Take Away from This Lesson?

Unlike me, and maybe you, He gave grace to each person who intentionally, or unintentionally, made Him feel worthless. And in the end, this choice helped Him escape the temptation of the devil to ensnare people with a harmful emotional cycle.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like true freedom to me. And that’s what I’m ready for.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

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To encourage you and give something tangible you can use, I’ve created this chart for you to print out and use. 

If you’d like, you can put it in your Bible or journal or hang it on the frig.

In order to get your copy, just right click. Save. And, print.

 

 

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