Why isn’t this working?!

I remember the conversation vividly. Although it took place years ago, I still recall that moment of clarity.

 Thoroughly exasperated, I called a family member for help. I was at my wit’s end with my marriage. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make things better. My husband was increasingly frustrated with me and all I could do was try to be nicer to alleviate any tension.

I was feeling backed into a corner. He was getting grumpier and grumpier and I was trying to counter it with a quiet demeanor. I would ignore inappropriate interaction in hopes of appeasing him.

Please don’t get the idea that he is the problem and I am innocent because we are equally at fault living in this home. This is just one watershed moment that helped our marriage because God used it to teach me about how to love my husband in his best interest. He has more than loved me in my best interest over the years as he dealt with my needs as a wife. This was where I could understand his need as my husband.

Isn’t being nice how to love others well?

You see, I had tried to act in accordance with what “love” was supposed to do- be nice, no matter what. If he acted angrily, I thought that loving well meant that I would turn the other cheek. But something strange began to happen. As I used kindness to alleviate his anger, a pattern started to develop. He began to take and I began to give…….to a fault.

Loving my husband well by being nice wasn't achieving the feeling of intimacy in my marriage like I hoped. Why wasn't this working? Share on X

Growing up in the church, especially in the south, girls are taught to “be nice”. We begin to learn that loving others well means we are to be sweet and kind. Well, this wasn’t working like I hoped it would.

I’m so grateful to be sharing the rest of this post over at Welcome Heart for my lovely friend Sue Donaldson. Click the link to learn what has helped me the most in my effort to love others well.