It was 2013.
The hardest year of my life.
Hardest year for our whole family.
What Do You Do When You Have to CONFRONT Your Children?
Kyle (my husband) and I were at our breaking point.
We had two family issues going on at the same time, concerning two of our children.
We had been struggling for several years with both issues but this particular year, they both peaked at the same time, causing us to plummet in our emotional, spiritual, and mental capacities. We were more than desperate.
We were at that scary place of becoming utterly incapable of coming up with anything more.
We had nothing left.
No answers.
No wisdom.
No resolution in sight.
What did we do?
We felt broken, incapable of fixing ourselves or our family’s problems.
We only had one option left to try but oh how we did not want to do THAT!! We did not even know if we had it in us to do it. We had hoped and begged and prayed for anything but that!
But we had placed it on the table, pleaded not to use it, but felt backed into a corner with no other options. Now, we were being forced to follow through on our threat.
Only one of our family issues required the extent of accountability that tested our strength, but both issues depleted us equally.
As parents, we were at our weakest point ever, so I know what it is to NOT want to have to hold someone accountable. When you are at your weakest, that makes it all the more difficult to be strong enough to follow through with accountability.
As parents, we were at our weakest point ever, so I know the desperation of wanting to avoid accountability. Share on XWhat help did we find in the Bible?
But I had seen enough from the Word, from King David, and my own family legacy to know nothing good comes from the neglect of accountability.
It allows sin to run amuck and people to spiral out of control, damaging themselves AND those in their path. It is unbiblical to let sin go without loving correction. It is actually unloving to allow people a free pass on their trail of sin.
But it takes guts to do!!
Because most likely, those who try to hold people accountable will be chewed up and spit out. Their trail of sin becomes your trail of tears for trying to intervene and bring perspective or correction.
Such was our fear and such became our reality…..
While we had enforced discipline leading up to this final showdown, we had followed through each time but at a COST.
What could we do about the rebellion in our kids’ lives?
Although each attempt was not as ultimately path changing as we hoped, each was still costly as we implemented accountability.
After each encounter and the resulting arguments and enforcement of said discipline, we felt the increasing dread of the next confrontation. So by the final showdown, we were quaking in our boots. We used to describe the scenes like standoffs against a pit bull. Our child was tenacious!
And we were exhausted……
So I completely get how King David would not want to confront his child over his sin in 2 Samuel 13. But this led to an even bigger problem within the family as Absalom took matters into his own hands to hold his brother accountable.
What began as a family travesty became a national crisis.
That is what happens when we forego doing what ought to be done.
We may “kick the can” but eventually the consequences come and usually much worse because of our neglect to stand up against sin.
What happens when we tolerate sin?
When we tolerate sin, we are culpable to it.
When we tolerate sin, we are culpable to it. Share on XJesus Himself had harsh words for the church in Revelation 2:20 as they tolerated the sin of another.
Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols.
What we tolerate is what we ourselves will be held accountable for!
How’s that for a cycle of accountability!
The cost of accountability can be dear but the consequences can be even graver if we neglect to do so. But what hope and life come from repentance and redemption!!!
What happens when we follow through with accountability?
When we followed through with our child for the ultimate showdown, it was ugly and painful, but the God-given consequences from it have been beyond our hope and prayers.
God triumphed in a glorious way over the next months and years from that time.
I often think how the absolute hardest thing I ever did as a parent, what cost me so much as a mother, gave back a hundred fold in the life of my child and the perspective had by him today.
He finally has eyes to see, and it is profoundly meaningful to me as I watch him live his life, processing in a completely different way than before.
What hope is there for you as a parent?
Miracles never cease…..even today as I was writing this post, that child of mine who fought so hard against accountability, called his mom to hold her accountable for something! And he was completely in the right for doing so.
Now that is the cycle of accountability I want for my children, AND the generations to come!
I will gladly say…….the cost and consequences are worth it!!
Lisa notes says
Following through with accountability is one of the hardest things about being a parent. But one of the most fruitful! Thanks for sharing this story (and the ending). I am so grateful, too, that miracles never cease.
Gretchen Fleming says
Amen Lisa! Thanks for stopping by:)
Rochelle Bauer says
God sure led me here today. I have been struggling with one of our sons. It’s nothing earth-shattering, but in all truthfulness, it is to me. His dad is out of state for work for a few months and helps discipline when he can, but I’ve really never HAD to discipline like this. Somehow, after conversations with our son, “I” felt like the one who had done something wrong. It was AWFUL!! There were times during his short “grounding”, where I just wanted to hand everything back over to him and simply give up. By the grace of God, I didn’t….and I can only pray he will follow his established morals and values and faith.
I want to give up on this solo-parenting business. Not because my children are horrendously nasty, but because the little acts of disobedience are wearing me so thin, I don’t know how to handle it! Your comments in this post make me believe God is telling me I’m doing the correct thing. Saying that when we tolerate sin, we are culpable to it. Uff. Shot to the heart. Overall, thank you for this post. I will be coming back to it over time…I just know I will. The biblical encouragement is just what I needed from someone tangible right now. Thank you! (visiting from #livefree and so glad I did!)
Gretchen Fleming says
Rochelle, sometimes I ask myself why I am doing what I do, wondering if I am foolish for investing myself so much in ministry. Your reply was a gift of affirmation and encouragement to me. Thank you ?
I can tell you that I understand. I know what it feels like to be worn so thin from a child pushing back against accountability that you just want to give up. It can be daunting. But there is so much at stake……we can’t give up. When I read in the Word, I am convinced it is a fight we must continue with perseverance. From Jacob to Eli and David, I learn that our being relentless to follow through with our accountability is vital not only for our own children but how they will eventually affect others.
Press on dear sister! You have the approval of the King of all Kings when you love others in their best interest, even at the cost to yourself!!
Lisa Appelo says
Gretchen, your words are spot on. Enforcing those consequences can be right but they come at a cost. And yet there’s a greater cost for doing nothing. Parenting is not for the faint of heart! But it sure does drive us to Jesus. I’m so very grateful for God’s gracious redemption in your family.
Gretchen Fleming says
So am I Lisa! You are right. It does drive us to Jesus!
Horace Williams Jr says
Gretchen, I want to say I was as rebellious a teenager as they come. I tested my parents to the max. However, they continued to pray fervently and teach me God’s word. Now , after all this years, my mother cried tears of joy when she read my book on prayer and proofed some of my blog posts. She has seen the power of God transform my life. Be encouraged and know that God will bring you and your family through whatever may lie ahead. Thank you for sharing a little of yourself here today. Have a fantastic week and may God bless you and yours in all your endeavors.
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you Horace! Great words to remember! Thank you for sharing your testimony my friend:)
Aimee Imbeau says
Thank you for your honest post, Gretchen. Parenting properly is HARD. We never know how it will turn out or what our kids will decide. Today, my daughter and I were recording a video lesson for our online Bible study course and we mentioned the time I had to confront her about something and she had to make the choice of whom she was going to follow – the Lord or Satan. I left her to her decision and I prayed all night for her. Thankfully, when I anxiously went to see her in the morning, she had decided to follow the Lord and not continue in her sin. These things are hard – but they are the things that make our kids’ faith their own and they are drawn closer to God.
Thanks for sharing on Grace and Truth.
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks for sharing Aimee! The battles are fought on our knees aren’t they?! What a blessing to share faith with our children!
Rebecca Jones says
I agree with this totally, rebellion in children only escalates in teens. I’m seeing this with family who don’t correct bad behavior, if I do, I’m seen as the bad guy. I’ve even been accused of not liking children, but nobody like a brat, really? Do they? I’m sure like God we can love, but not like.