Why do we feel bullied?
The topic of “bullying” may be trending in our generation but it has been around for centuries. Although cyber or physical bullying may be the first to pop into our minds when we think of intimidating tactics used against others, there is another type of bullying that may be less obvious but equally threatening. This hidden bully comes in the form of the accusations and/or condemnation of others.
If you’ve experienced it, you know EXACTLY what I mean.
You know firsthand the waves of condemnation that roll over you as someone accuses you.
I have had trauma in my life, both physical and sexual in nature, but the emotional trauma from accusations and/or condemnation far surpass any previous damage done. The emotional scars left from “words” challenge me the most.
How are accusations challenging?
I will hear something said to me about myself or my family, and it will ricochet around my mind for a long time. There is great difficulty in preventing these words from finding their way to my heart, which results in their tendency to become my identity.
This process can send me spiraling downward into self-loathing from my perfectionistic, people-pleasing tendencies. It can put me on the defense as I try to respond to such statements. Whether full-on verbal accusations or subtle innuendos, I find them equally challenging.
I’m not talking about the factual charges that can be brought against someone but the subjective kind. These statements, based on personal opinion or feelings, are difficult to refute objectively and are the most challenging to encounter. All it takes is someone willing to voice their “judgment” for the accusation/condemnation to have its goal- power and/or control over another.
Some people readily enjoy using these bullying tactics more than others. Pride and insecurity seem to be at the root of those trying the hardest to condemn their way through life. They feel threatened in some way so they are seeking to establish their position of superiority.
This can happen among nations, in our communities, in our workplaces, even in our churches or homes. Wherever there is a struggle for significance, there can be bullying in the form of accusations/condemnation.
Wherever there is a struggle for significance, there can be bullying from accusations. Share on XMost of us have experienced this at one time or another, whether sporadically or regularly.
And surprisingly, so did Jesus.
How did Jesus handle it?
Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”
At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” Then the man got up and went home. When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man. Matthew 9:1-8
Jesus did not wait for the religious leaders to even voice their accusation/condemnation against Him before He addressed it head-on, calling it evil!
They were afraid of losing their position of authority in the eyes of the people so they sought to control Jesus through their charges. The irony that they were accusing Jesus of identifying Himself falsely as “God” when in fact it was the truth, is not to be missed.
That is what makes accusations/condemnation so challenging. Truth can get lost in the process because either it is difficult to prove or impossible to convince someone even if there is proof.
An accusation only needs to be lobbed in a general direction to have an impact- condemnation plain and simple.
You do not measure up.
The religious leaders could not realistically do anything against all the miracles and authority Jesus exercised, so they tried to intimidate Him as they had so often before with the Jewish people. They would try to force Him into meeting their expectations.
What can we learn?
There are several lessons on how we can “process” accusations from studying the way Jesus handled the religious leaders. I think they’re valuable to remember in our own lives as we encounter those who whether knowingly, or unknowingly, pressure us.
As a work in progress in this area, I by no means have this down in my life. But I know He is the One I am to follow in order to gain the perspective God intends for me.
6 Ways to process accusations from others
1. Just because you are accused doesn’t mean that you are wrong.
An “offense” is not legitimized by an accusation or condemnation. Otherwise, Jesus would not have been the perfect sacrifice. We know that He had many accusations hurled at Him with heaping doses of condemnation from His family to those in His community, yet He was sinless. So that means just because people accused Him doesn’t mean that He was actually at fault. As believers, we may have to live righteously even while being accused wrongly.
We may have to live righteously even while being accused wrongly. Share on X2. Always remaining passive about accusations from others is not healthy nor does it make us more godly.
While Jesus did not address every accusation sent His way, He certainly chose to confront many of them. He did not let untrue, harmful statements slip by without offering accountability. He was not afraid to call people out for falsehood. Being “nice” (passive) is not the same as being godly. Christ stood up for what was right even when He was perceived as being wrong.
Christ stood up for what was right even when He was accused of being wrong. Share on X3. Being Christlike is going to require courage.
An additional passage about Jesus standing up to bullies is found in Mark 3:1-6.
Another time Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath. Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Stand up in front of everyone.”
Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they remained silent.
He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.
WHAT COURAGE!!!
Jesus was not going to be bullied into denying what He knew what was right in practice and belief. The religious leaders were trying to control Jesus and the Jewish people. They wanted to be in charge of what took place in the practice of faith so they sought to influence it by redefining God’s truth. Christ courageously confronted their error while continuing to do what He knew was right in the eyes of God.
Courage and truth are a bully's worst fears. Share on X4. We have to know for ourselves what God’s Word says.
To adequately identify what is right or wrong in God’s eyes, we must comprehend His viewpoint for ourselves. We cannot depend on others to define righteousness or unrighteousness. We must learn it in order to abide by it. That way when someone tries to pervert the truth through accusations/condemnation, we recognize it immediately. God’s Word, along with Jesus’ example, should be our guidance and confidence.
God's Word, along with Jesus' example, should be our guidance and confidence. Share on X5. We must rely on the Holy Spirit to determine the appropriate response.
It can be tempting to be just as ugly back as we confront accusations. Jesus was ALWAYS the picture of self-control as He addressed bullies. He did not sin to warrant the condemnation of others nor did He sin as He confronted them. He was balanced with grace and truth but He was unmovable on what was loving and right. Christians are allowed to be firm yet we should never be ugly.
We don't have to be a bully to confront one. Share on X6. The Bible never teaches that we are to meet the expectations of others as we seek to love them.
Romans 12:18 says,
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
We are called to love others but living in peace with them is sometimes another issue. John 13:34-35 teaches that we must love one another with an agapeo love, which means loving others in their best interest. It does not mean to their expectations or what they even desire. Just as God loved us by sending His Son, no one asked for this in the first place but God did it anyway. He deemed it necessary to do what we needed not necessarily what everyone wanted.
The Bible does not equate loving someone with meeting their expectations. Share on XThrough the Bible and the Holy Spirit, we are able to learn what love is and how to love others. We must remain aware that loving them does not always mean we meet their expectations nor does it mean we are unloving when we don’t.
It is my prayer that as we study the life of Jesus, we can learn practically how to love others in truth. Sometimes we are loving the least when we choose not to confront those who distort the truth the most.
Kathy says
I can relate to having been falsely accused. It seems I never meet the expectations of my husband. He is nearly an OCD personality which means my laid back, Southern style is in constant conflict with his way of doing things. I have tried to point out our differences only make us complement one another, but this observation falls on deaf ears. I am tired of defending my stand on how I do my cleaning, and my use of time in my leisure time. The most current complaint is that I travel four hours every other month to see my grandchildren and I do enjoy outings with my friends every month. He feels I am isolating him even when I extend an invitation for him to come with me on my trips to see the grandkids. All I can do is state my reasons for wanting to have a relationship with the grandchildren while they are young and I have the stamina to drive over four hours to see them. I trust the Lord will work this situation out for His glory. I pray that soon my husband will open his heart to see my reasons and also seek the Lord and accept His love and grace. Great article that confirmed that I need to stand firm and be gracious.
Gretchen Fleming says
Kathy, you speak to the reality of life with accusations. That constant pressure to defend yourself is very relatable and as we know, exhausting. I am a big proponent of Biblical counseling.. Just one session made great improvement for my understanding of what I should or should not do, plus understanding others. It gave me clarity on each circumstance.
You said it well Kathy- stand firm and be gracious. God never asked us to live our lives for anyone else but Him!
You are lifted up in prayer my friend:)
Rebecca L Jones says
Thank you Gretchen for this wonderful post. I had this problem, I even started being ugly, even though I knew the accusation wasn’t true. When I didn’t like me and it was doing any good anyway, I let it go. My problem was that I never stood up for myself, so I got pushed around, by people and the devil. Now, I know better. I know that Jesus opened not His mouth, and that is sort of what I did. The idea is to know when to speak and when not to.
Gretchen Fleming says
It certainly is Rebecca! There are times where we see Jesus call people out and times where He let it go. It takes the Holy Spirit to guide us on how to respond to accusations from others. We will need courage and fortitude either way- whether we confront or let it go without allowing the charges to become our identity. Thanks for visiting with me today:)
Nicole Kauffman says
GREAT post. This is such a HUGE struggle for so many today, including myself. Handling accusations and harsh words is something that is SO hard to address in a godly way. Love these suggestions!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks so much Nicole for your encouragement:) I agree with you, such a struggle for so many , including me. Definitely hits my personality weaknesses but I gain such perspective by examining how Jesus handled it. Thanks for stopping by!
Cheryl Gerou says
Visiting you from Dream Together Link-up. Thank you for sharing this. The part that resonates with me most is that loving them doesn’t mean we meet their expectations or desires, but rather to consider what is in their best interest. That is truly the loving thing to do. I needed to read that and now I need to remember to apply it in life. I really appreciate you sharing this. May your soul be refeshed in being wrapped in His love as He shares His perspective with you. His perspective is always for our good. Sweet Blessings to you.
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks for stopping by and I’m so glad it was useful for you:)
Michele Morin says
You’ve put your finger on one of the reasons why we withdraw from others — or just keep to ourselves in self-protective mode. So often, when we “put ourselves out there” – even in small ways – we can experience backlash and accusations, misunderstandings and condemnation. Thanks for this reasoned and clear-headed approach to the reality of life on a fallen planet.
Gretchen Fleming says
You are so right Michele. I am prone to self-protect so when I get accused, I retreat inward. The devil uses this tendency of mine over and over again but I am trying to curb the cycle.
Crystal says
Ginger, I hope you have book writing in your future! I would be one of the first to buy. Your ability to teach and nurture through scripture is a gift. I love “courage and truth are a bully’s worst fears.”
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you Crystal! Your encouragement came at a perfect time! I pray for you and your ministry every morning:) Blessings my friend as we both walk in our purpose to make Him known!
Ifeoma Samuel says
Oh my, Gretchen…this is deep. I like the points you stated here. We have been through these doors one way or the other. What gets us through is God’s wisdom.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.
Happy Easter to you and your family
Gretchen Fleming says
I agree- His wisdom is what helps tremendously. Happy Easter to you as well Ifeoma! Thanks for visiting with me 🙂
Lily Ann Calales says
I am thankful to GOD that have found this and was encouraged. I have been through bullying and the saddest thing is that it is in church. Guess, last night I felt I was in the verge of giving up, it is overwhelming. I feel people want me real down and out, shattered and all. I am shocked that even the least and trivial thing I say like coffee shop I go to and read is being taken against me. I cried and prayed to GOD to help me and something within made me make a resolve to stay-put and be stong. Not to allow hatred grow in my heart. I decide to learn how the LORD JESUS CHRIST handled such situations. In Mark 15:16-20, He did not retaliate back even when He was stricken again and again. My hope is that I will forever have His strength, love, control for I do not know what is coming up next; what is being boiled again against me this week. I cannot control them, with CHRIST I hope to learn to arm myself with CHRIST way of handling such things. And, I am thankful because I have found help also and encouragement from you. So I am not alone but it is sad that such thing exists in church. Christians should not be busy destroying each other because there is our common enemy. If we are divided, we might be weak as a church against the common enemy. Thank you again and GOD bless you more and more.
Gretchen Fleming says
I’m so sorry Lily that you have experienced this! I agree that it is a shame when we spend more time tearing others down as opposed to building them up in the church. But I learn from the life of Jesus that He said to expect that. I was just reading yesterday how He said to love others yet just a few verses later He says to not be surprised if the world hates us. What an irony that the main thing we are called to by Him is to love well yet still to expect that we may get hate in return. I am encouraged by Him that though this happens, I am still to just keep doing what is right. I can leave the “hate” for Him to deal with and I should just join God where I see Him at work and seek to make a difference there.
Keep loving others Lily and don’t let their negativity enter your heart or identity. Bless you!
Beth says
Such a practical and biblical approach to dealing with bullies or offenders in our lives, Gretchen! You’ve done your homework and we are much better prepared to deal with these kinds of wounds and conflicts because of it! I’m pinning this for sure and will be sharing a link to it in my next blog post!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you so much Beth! You are such an encourager!
Katie says
I thought this post was spot on biblically and I really appreciate your practical approach to handling bullies of all types. Thanks so much for sharing this truth! Pinning now!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you Katie and I’m grateful for your visit!
Lisa Appelo says
Accusations are so hard…makes me want to immediately defend myself and I also find I resent the wrongful accusation for way too long. Good words, Gretchen. I’ve pinned this!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you friend! I agree and that’s why I am trying to learn from Jesus because I don’t see Him stewing over the accusations thrown at Him. He loved people in spite of their views of Him and moved on. He is such a hero on so many levels!
Amélé says
Thanks, Gretchen, and God bless you!
Boma says
The point about being passive the scripture about being neither cold nor hot. We must take a stand, and be counted for something even in our relationship with others. Thanks for sharing. Blessings to you!