Why We Can’t Seem to Win
Have you ever met someone who seemed determined to misunderstand you? Someone that you could not win-over no matter how hard you tried? Do you have someone in your life that seems to be blind to what is good about you?
I think we have all come across people who make much of our faults and little-to-nothing about any of our good. The challenge of this type of person is that effort doesn’t seem to make a difference. No matter how hard we try, how obvious the good, it isn’t enough to meet their standard.
We are left hurt and exasperated. Because we can’t seem to figure out what the problem is or why our intentions are not being received rightly, we can even feel defeated. It’s as if we need to try something different but for the life of us, we can’t figure out what else to do.
The Fickleness of Man
As I was reading in Mark 7:31-37 NIV, I came across verse 37 and it really struck me the irony of the reaction at Jesus’ healing of the deaf and mute.
People were overwhelmed with amazement. “He has done everything well,” they said. “He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.”
What I remembered was how differently others had responded to the same type of miracles previously displayed by Jesus. In Matthew 9:27-34 NIV , the Pharisees were not impressed at all by what Jesus was doing, even though it was just as miraculous in nature as the later event in Mark 7. Verse 34 describes their perspective of the unmistakable power displayed in healing.
But the Pharisees said, “It is by the prince of demons that he drives out demons.”
Wow! How can the same miracle have two such opposing reactions? Why wouldn’t the obvious good, evidenced by the healed men, be enough of a testimony validating the good in Christ?
If the event is the same and the person performing the miracle the same, the difference has to be found in the people who witnessed the miracle.
2 lessons concerning Jesus
- To some, He could do no wrong.
- To others, He could do no right.
Maybe this sounds familiar. You may find yourself in a similar situation. Let’s dig deeper to find out how we can learn from Jesus a root cause of this and how we can respond in a Christlike manner.
The Blindness We Bring to the Table
At first glance, it is normal to keep trying really hard to get through to those who misunderstand another person. We can think that more effort will produce more love in return. But when it comes to Jesus, we learn that since He was perfect, the root issue could not lie with Him. It had to be the other people who were at fault. So that teaches us that we can be doing everything “right” and still get a TERRIBLE response in return.
I am learning that the reason the truth cannot be grasped is found in the ability to see the truth in the first place. It isn’t about the perfect words chosen or the perfect motive being evidenced or even the perfect timing of the interaction/event. What we are learning from Christ is that it had nothing to do with Him why the Pharisees condemned Him but everything to do with the Pharisees themselves!
The reason truth cannot be grasped is found in the ability to see the truth in the first place. Share on XAs we come to this conflict of perspective between Mark 7 and Matthew 9, we only need to harken back to the Beatitudes to learn why some people are “blind” and others are not. I am not saying this explains all conflicts of perception but it does in Jesus’ case and it may in others as well. Only God can confirm if we have done all that we can in our attempts of being understood by another. But we already know from Romans 12:18 NIV that being rightly understood isn’t always going to be the reality.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
So what can explain the difference in perception between people? The Beatitudes teach in Matthew 5:8 MSG,
You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
What I learn from this is that I have the potential to bring blindness to the table when interacting with others and vice versa. The reality is that it isn’t possible sometimes to respond rightly and it can have everything to do with us and yet NOTHING to do with us.
In order to respond rightly to others, we have to have our heart and mind rightly situated through Christ. Share on XHow Blindness Affects Relationships
Because the Pharisees did not have their hearts and minds right on the inside, it affected how they perceived the “outside” and interacted with others. It didn’t really matter what Jesus did or didn’t do because He wasn’t the problem, their perception was.
That’s why it wouldn’t make a difference if He tried being “understood” with greater effort. And that’s why it may not make a difference in some of our relationships.
Relationships are a two-way street. To some, we can do no wrong. To others, we can do no right.
To some, we can do no wrong. To others, we can do no right. Share on XBut we CAN do 4 things since we know this reality reflected through Christ.
- Examine our own mind and heart to make sure we are not the “blind” ones sitting at the table.
- Let go of the obsessive attempt at being understood by others because the issue may not be with us.
- Recognize and feel the relief from the burden for some relationships that seem wrought with conflict.
- Remain compassionate with others as they struggle with the weight of their own “blindness”.
We may not always be able to get the response from others that we are looking for, but through Christ, we can learn when to know we have done enough. At this point, we can commit the relationship to Him so that He can do what only He can………and remember, miracles are still His specialty!
Rosa Hopkins says
This was very good! I am going to share it to my Facebook page in the morning. God bless!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks so much Rosa! Grateful for your visit and your sharing ??
Laura says
This message was timely as I’ve struggled with a relationship where no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to please the other person and I find myself growing weary and even bitter at times. Thank you for bringing m back to the truth of the Word.
Gretchen Fleming says
Boy have I been there?! ? Bitterness is always my wake up call that I have crossed a boundary somewhere that God never intended for me. Jesus offers such healthy boundaries in relationships with others. Love studying Him for guidance on how to love fully without entrusting myself to others.
Melanie Redd says
What a practical and wonderful post, Gretchen!
I think many people are going to be helped and encouraged by your words.
I know I have been!
Hope you have a wonderful day~
Melanie
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks Melanie and so grateful for your visit☺️
Julie says
Thank you for this! Our relationships are so important. It’s true what you describe as “conflicts of perception” having everything to do with the ability to see. Love your reminder to examine our own minds and hearts to be sure we are not the blind ones sitting at the table. ?
Gretchen Fleming says
Yep, been the blind one a time or two when I thought it was someone else being the problem??♀️
Rebecca L Jones says
Perception and deception. something the Lord has taught me.
Gretchen Fleming says
So many lessons He generously gives us?
Sandra J says
What good thoughts on dealing with others – I love how you spoke to both the blindness in others, as well as ourselves. I am particularly susceptible to wanting others to understand me – so for me, part of living at peace with others requires me to let go of my own want to be understood, and, rather seek to understand another. Thanks for this rich post, I’m your neighbor at Holley’s.
Gretchen Fleming says
Yes letting go of MY need to be understood was difficult. Jesus has helped s much with that. One of my first lessons learned was how He wasn’t on the cross going ” Let’s go over this one more time people!” He was willing to be misunderstood and blamed all the way to the cross. Wow. What a lesson!
Tara Ulrich says
I was on the launch team for Anne Bogel’s book Reading People. The book explains many of the personality types from Anne’s perspective. She is no professional but she truly helped me understand a lot about my different characteristics. I think you would enjoy this book. It speaks to much of what you are talking about here; the many things we struggle with about others.
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks Tara for the recommendation. I’ll check it out?
bluecottonmemory says
YES! You understand exactly what I have been experiencing. It’s so very hard. A relationship takes two people reaching for each other. Sadly, some people don’t choose to reach, and some use “offense” to build walls to keep you out. It’s especially difficult with relationships that aren’t happenstance. Instead of praying for the relationship I want, I now just pray for God’s plan in their lives. That has made a huge difference. Thank you for sharing your heart. This heart needed to hear it!
Gretchen Fleming says
I’m so glad you were served by this post. Your prayer for God’s plan in their life as opposed to the relationship you want with them is a wonderful choice of action so thank you for sharing that. These types of relationships are heartbreaking and unavoidable at times. I gain so much by knowing Jesus experienced them too.
~ linda says
EEWWWW! This is so real, giving me plenty of pondering truths. Thank you for sharing as we are in this kind of a world , seemingly even more so today than ever. We become stuck in one way and one way only and have no ears or eyes for anything else.
I am glad we are neighbors at Suzanne’s for I needed this today.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks s much Linda for visiting with me??
Liz says
This speaks to the current state of society today on so many levels. Some are blinded from the truth and some seem to be blinded by it. You’re so right, we must examine ourselves against truth and ensure we are aligned with God’s will and then let go of those who cannot see the good or the God in us. Sometimes you’ve just got to shake the dust from your sandals. Blessings!
Gretchen Fleming says
Well said Liz. Spot on?
Deb Wolf says
Gretchen, there is so much relationship wisdom here. What a blessing! Thanks for this and for faithfully joining the Link Party at Counting My Blessings! God bless you!
Gretchen Fleming says
My pleasure Deb and thanks for your encouragement ?
Crystal says
Great practical advice Gretchen. I think of how often we place the burden of difficult relationships on ourselves and stay connected to them far longer than we should instead of recognizing these relationships for what they are. Sometimes peace is maintained in the distancing.
Gretchen Fleming says
Unfortunately that is so true. No one wants to “give up” but I have learned that Jesus did not beat His head against a wall with people. He loved them fully and if they weren’t able to receive that from Him then He moved on from it. Not in anger or lack of love but as response to their inability to respond justly.
Robin says
Thal you for sharing Gretchen. Relationships can bring us so much joy and at the same time so much pain. Your words give me much to reflect upon as I struggle with a few relationships!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks for stopping by Robin! I’m so glad we have Christ to help us through the complexities of relationships.
Tiffiney says
Hi Gretchen! Thank you for helping me to see that some misunderstandings are not my fault. Also, that no matter how much much I try to compensate for a lack of understanding between me and another person, understanding may not be accomplished. It’s so liberating (especially if you happen to be a peace making people pleasure – maybe like myself. 🙂 Thanks for sharing over at salt and light.
Gretchen Fleming says
My pleasure and thank you for visiting with me Tiffiney!
Paula Pasqua says
Wow! What timing–God’s timing is perfect in that He knew I so desperately needed to read this. Gretchen, thank you for your willingness to share what God has revealed to you.
I have numerous people in my life that no matter what I do, say, think, etc., I cannot please them. I grew up in a home where I did not feel validated, listened to, believed. This has carried over into my adult life. Dangerously, I have “scapegoat syndrome”. I have allowed others to use me as their scapegoat. Once God revealed this to me, I knew that I was wrong in allowing others to do this to me and that I was not anyone’s scapegoat, and that Jesus was the ULTIMATE SCAPEGOAT, taking on other people’s sins. I have had to relearn that there are some things that are my fault/sins, yes, but sometimes other people have the sin problem. Thank you for reminding us that we can do good, be kind, be loving and it doesn’t mean that it will be received well. I must often remind myself that, “it is better to give than to receive”. As long as I am loving others, their response doesn’t matter. Once I am obedient to the Lord, it is now between them and God. Jesus didn’t stop being obedient to His Heavenly Father, knowing full well that all that He did would not be received well–especially by those who knew His laws and His Word.
Thank you for Your Word, dear Lord.