The Real Enemy
The reality of the unmerciful servant ( Matthew 18:21-25 ESV) is all too real. It’s easy to understand because we all feel the pull of temptation, even as Christians. We receive the sting of a perceived wrong and it begins to cut deep. It escalates from the offense of someone else until it takes over our whole countenance. No matter any other good that is happening for us, the wrong from our offender overshadows that and brings a cloud of darkness. Misery becomes routine.
The distortion that results if we allow unforgiveness to take root as bitterness is undeniable. It’s consuming, leaving the “offended” in more misery than the original offense. Our inner beauty is replaced with anger, a hardness that eventually distorts our demeanor. Bitterness isn’t just an inward emotion, it becomes an outward reflection. (A scowl can speak volumes.)
Bitterness isn't just an inward emotion, it becomes an outward reflection. Share on XWe soon find ourselves imprisoned in misery. Yet, if we are honest, although we may feel led there by the hands of another, we are the ones who shut the door and lock it. It is our choice to allow unforgiveness to rob us of so much.
We become our own worst enemy, not the original offender!
Case in point for the unmerciful servant……
The 3 Lessons
The first two lessons ( 3 Ways We Bring About Our Own Misery – Part 1 , Part 2 of 3 Ways We Bring About Our Own Misery ) from the unmerciful servant were clear. Now we have the third to add.
We bring about our own misery when we-
- IGNORE what God has done for us.
- FOCUS on what others should do for us.
- DISREGARD what God requires of us.
I get it. I really do.
It is much more satisfying to focus on someone else and THEIR WRONGS as opposed to MY WRONGS. It is a fact of human nature. But you know what else is human nature? Sin. Not just his sin or her sin, but MY sin too.
When I become bothered by the sin of someone else more than I am broken over my own sin, I am headed for trouble. Just like the unmerciful servant, 3 realities await if I do not recognize the temptation for what it is.
The Harsh Reality
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” Matthew 18:32-35 NIV
These words are given by Jesus Christ to His followers. They are for us as well. What happened to the unmerciful servant will happen to us if we persist in the same hypocrisy. His reality will become ours.
3 realities await unless we choose differently-
- Prison – It will be a prison of our own making. We will live in bondage to the choices of others and how that offends us. Although we may walk about freely doing as we please but in reality, we are just as confined in misery as the unmerciful servant. We will have forfeited our freedom just as he did. Captivity is no way to live and not God’s plan for us. That’s why Jesus came, to bring us back into relationship with the Holy Father and to give His life as a ransom for our own, setting us free from sin and death. When we willingly disregard what God requires of us ( ie. forgiving and loving others), we are purposely choosing to live in misery.
- Debt – The unmerciful servant’s choice to withhold mercy for his fellow servant brought about a disastrous consequence. His own forgiven debt was reinstated! The original debt that was virtually impossible to repay was void no longer. Because he denied mercy, he ended up losing his own! The master now required of him what he owed, all because he refused to oblige his fellow servant of what little he owed. In the end, what was the easier task? Do we really want to be credited with what we owe a Holy God? Would we rather forfeit our own mercy for the sake of someone else’s piddling offense against us?! Is spite worth losing my own much-needed mercy?
- Compromised Future – I don’t know about you but who wants a future anything LESS than the good, benevolent future God has planned for us IF WE FOLLOW HIS WAYS?! I want all the good He is willing to offer!! Losing out on that isn’t worth the pettiness of unforgiveness. By refusing to forgive others, I am in essence sabotaging my own future! Ummm, no thanks. NO GRUDGE is worth giving up the grace and mercy God offers me!
The Clear Choice
Life is a precious opportunity from the Lord. Why would we want to waste one minute of it on the pettiness this world offers in exchange? Let us enjoy the mercy He abundantly offers and extend it on to others!
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy. Matthew 5:7 NIV
Alyson | WriteThemOnMyHeart says
Powerful post, Gretchen! Wow, unforgiveness is SO not worth it! I’ve never thought about it quite in this way. Really, really not worth it.
Gretchen Fleming says
I sure agree with you Alyson. Thank you for your encouragement and for visiting with me!
Diana says
This topic hits home for me because I have struggled in this area. I love this line the most today “ no grudge is worth giving up the grace and Mercy offered by God today”
Blessings
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks for visiting with me today Diana!
Robyn says
Forgiveness – this is where I often get tripped up – I understand forgiveness in order to create or maintain peace within us. However, lying, stealing, etc. are not okay, yet Jesus says to forgive the perpetrators. I am lost in the logic, can’t wrap my head around it, I am putting it in context of teaching right from wrong. Is it okay for someone to lie, steal or cheat then be absolved of that sin simply because we forgive them – wouldn’t they just continue, how does that actually work? Your guidance here is so appreciated. Thank you, Gretchen
Gretchen Fleming says
Hi Robyn, great question. Forgiveness isn’t the same as accountability. We are called to forgive others but that doesn’t mean we don’t seek to hold them accountable when needed. Does that make sense?
I look at how God treats us. He forgives us of our sins when we repent but that doesn’t mean He wipes out all the consequences related to our sin. My children may be sorry for their actions but I still needed to hold them accountable for their misbehavior. Or say as I wife, I may agree that I have betrayed my husband but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have to go to counseling to repair our relationship. Or as an employee, I may steal and humbly repent to my employer but that doesn’t mean I will avoid jail.
In 2 Samuel 12, David repents of his sins against God through his adultery and murder and God forgives him. But he still suffered the loss of his child. So in my mind, forgiveness is a separate issue from accountability. I am not to cross the line in my heart and mind as I become condemning of others but that doesn’t mean I don’t have discernment over what is right and wrong. For me, I can tell when I am lording it over someone with judgment which leads to self-righteous condemnation. This soon leads me to bitterness.
I am not to be anyone’s judge and jury nor am I to be anyone’s doormat. That is how I understand it. I hope that helps Robyn. Thanks for the great question.
Tara L. Ulrich says
I needed to read this reminder! Thank You! Misery is hard. I lost my job in May 2017. I felt so awful and wondered where God might be leading me next. It’s hard! But today, I am in a new job; transformed! This was a good reminder for me to read again today. Thanks again! I am your neighbor at the Ra Ra linkup today!
Gretchen Fleming says
I’m so glad you have seen God bring about such changes for you and in you! Love how He works beyond what we can foresee. Thanks for stopping by!
Rebecca Jones says
I am conscious of trying to make good decisions but feel that sometimes no matter what I say somethings it’s wrong.
Gretchen Fleming says
I get that and you know what I have found, it is more about the other person than it is me. There are some people that will always believe the worst about me and nothing I say or do will change that. Hugs, friend.
Shante says
What a conviction! This is powerful! I’ve struggled in this area and pray that the Holy Spirit will continue to counsel. It’s an eye opener and I will definitely not go back to closing them lest I loose mercy from the Lord! Thank you!
Gretchen Fleming says
So glad you found this useful Shante. Blessings my friend.
SUSAN SHIPE says
Gretchen, visiting from “Dreams.” BUT, I’ve been following your quotes and such on IG. I can’t agree more – usually we are the source of our own misery and once we identify the source? We can only blame one. Amen?
Gretchen Fleming says
So true Susan…… But conviction is the beginning of freedom right? ??
Beth says
I’ve struggled to extend forgiveness to a certain person in my life who is unrepentant and continues to offend. I’ve come to several watershed moments of surrendering this person to the Lord and forgiving them over the years, but then they do something hurtful again. Even though I’ve tried to cleanse my heart of these issues, it has had a negative impact on me. I am trying now, Gretchen, to see how and where it has impacted me negatively and deal with that more seriously. But it’s always hard since this person refuses to change. Thankfully, there’s a good chance my husband and I may be moving, so I will not have to deal with this person any longer. But that is not the answer really. It takes deep soul work with the Lord to truly find my freedom. Thanks for giving us so much wisdom on these issues, my friend!
Gretchen Fleming says
I can relate Beth. I think I learned how accountability gets involved with forgiveness. I understand that I am to forgive but that doesn’t mean I am to be the other person’s doormat. I go by the verse that Jesus gave to His disciples about being innocent as a dove but shrewd as a snake. I need to not sin yet I am allowed to set boundaries and hold others accountable. If they are not willing to respect the boundaries or my confronting them over their offense, then I can shrewdly distance myself from them. Jesus did not hang around those who sought His harm. He would interact with them until they showed their hard heartedness then He would leave them and their area, moving on to who would listen to Him.
Jesus died for our sins but you don’t see Him be the doormat to abuse. Only until the weekend of His death do you see Him accept abusive behavior.
The Bible says not to throw our pearls to pigs and if at all possible, as far as it concerns you, live at peace with everyone. Those two verses teach me that sometimes it is more about the other person than me. I still have to forgive and not hold it against them but I am certainly allowed to hold others accountable and set boundaries if they don’t respond respectfully.
This is my takeaway from relationship struggles and faith. Jesus has provided great insight with these type of issues that have given me peace and freedom, in spite of what others do. Loving well takes courage and wisdom for sure. I hope this expounds a bit more for you.
Theresa Boedeker says
Wise words Gretchen. I recently got angry about someone doing something wrong and hurting another person. I knew as a Christian I should not be happy about what was going on, but I wasn’t sure what my response should be. For several days this person and their actions consumed me. And then I realized I was trying to carry the whole burden myself and solve it myself and right it myself. I was not letting Jesus carry this problem. There was nothing I could do but release the problem and person to God and let him take care of it. I also began to see the prison this person and their sin was creating for them and others. This allowed me to view them with pity and not anger. And when I could do that, I could pray about this person and situation. And also see the hard consequences of their sin, as well as my own. Forgiveness is hard, but carrying the burden and prison of unforgiveness is even harder. Thanks for this reminder.
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you Theresa for giving a great example to learn what the process looked like for you. I love examples and find I can usually learn well from them so I appreciate the value you brought to the discussion. You brought up another component when dealing with relational issues and it is one I have a weakness for- over responsibility. Part of my progress the Lord gave me last year in dealing with understanding my role vs the other person’s role in relational complexities had to deal with this issue. I would feel like I had to right the wrong on my own. My habit was to feel the burden to please others and meet their approval, even satisfy their demands in the relationship. Finally I learned it wasn’t my role to fix others or their misconceptions, nor my burden to make everyone act right and get along. Whew! What a relief. It helped me to know what I was responsible for and what I wasn’t, which guided my behavior more productively. Seeeing what I wasn’t responsible for helped me see the other person more compassionately. I didn’t feel manipulated any longer so I had the perspective to see their hardships more clearly. Being able to identify our roles and responsibilities in relationships, including ours with God by knowing what He is responsible for, sure does make a huge difference. Peace is worth all the work . I would not want to live without it, being buffeted by people or their turmoil.
Jeanne Takenaka says
Gretchen, you share so much wisdom! Each of your points is spot on. Who, indeed, wants to give up God’s mercy and grace to hold onto a grudge?! Not me. Learning to let go of the offense and choose forgiveness is a process, rather than a one-time deal . . . at least for me. I’m so glad that when we choose obedience, God enables us to forgive.
I appreciate your post.
I’m visiting from Holley Gerth’s place this morning. Have a great day!