Forgive them AGAIN?! You can’t be serious!
This post is a follow-up to my 3 part series ( Post 1 , Post 2 , Post 3 ) on the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35. The series was entitled, “3 Ways We Bring About Our Own Misery” and it examined the decision of refusing to extend the mercy God gives us to others. In other words, unforgiveness.
Some great discussions developed in the comments of these posts and one of the topics brought up dealt with the challenge of forgiving people who are repeat offenders. I thought the discussion warranted a greater platform than just the comment section so I am using today’s post to expound my views on the matter.
How are we to deal with people who continue to hurt us?
I think the first aspect to consider is who is doing the offending? Is it a spouse, child, extended family member, friend, co-worker, etc? The degree of closeness matters in my opinion. It would warrant responding differently if I lived with them, saw them only occasionally or worked with them daily.
Forgiving someone who is a repeat offender is different than someone who has only offended us once. A stranger is easier to forgive in my opinion because we most likely will never see them again. On the other hand, forgiving someone who we interact with on a regular basis and who keeps reinjuring us with their offenses requires a different strategy. This is because it isn’t just ONE wound we are trying to heal from but the same wound/hurt that keeps getting reinjured or maybe multiple wounds/offenses.
This makes healing difficult as you can well imagine, not to mention the goal of forgiveness.
If I had a physical wound that kept getting hit, how would it ever be able to heal? You have to protect a wound in order for it to heal properly. I believe the same concept is applied to emotional wounds.
If my hurt at the hands of another keeps receiving provocation, then it is most certainly going to be a challenge to forgive them and move on. Any progress I make at healing from their interaction is lost as I keep receiving fresh offenses.
Therefore, my second aspect to consider is what can I reasonably expect from the repeat offender? After I have Biblically addressed the matter with said repeat offender as outlined in Matthew 18:15-17 ESV, I need to adjust my expectations.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
If the repeat offender takes responsibility and apologizes then great. But if they don’t, then I need to adjust my strategy. Continuing to expect them to “right” their wrong will not be productive. If anything, my unreasonable expectations of them will only inflame their injuries inflicted upon me. It will interfere with my ability to forgive them and heal. This usually keeps me feeling “stuck” in a revolving door of offenses.
By coming to terms that they are unable or unwilling to take responsibility, then I am able to move on without their contrition. I have learned that sometimes what keeps people from taking responsibility for their repeating offenses is that they have their own emotional baggage so heavy that they are emotionally and spiritually blind to the truth. Self-deception or self-denial have them in bondage.
It is possible to “move on” regardless of their making amends but this will require certain considerations.
This leads me to my third point of what needs to change in dealing with a repeat offender that will foster emotional and spiritual health? If I cannot count on the repeat offender changing then the only recourse left is that I change.
If my repeat offender will not change then I must. Share on XHaven’t we all heard that insanity is to continue doing the same thing but while expecting a different outcome? Why should we, therefore, continue to hope that our repeat offender will finally come to their senses and repent of their destructive ways? At some point, while we continue to pray for them, we must move on WITHOUT THEM.
What I mean by this is that we have a choice whether we stay in a dysfunctional relationship. We may not be able to change our relationships with people if they are our family, neighbor or co-worker but we can enact some BOUNDARIES.
The Lifeline of Boundaries
Having spent the last year studying Christ in the Gospels, I have learned valuable lessons from His personal interaction with others. He is my hero for loving others fully yet without entrusting Himself to them (John 2:23-25). Jesus knew how to love others in truth without getting pulled into being over-responsible or into dysfunctional patterns.
He would offer, sometimes even confront, others with the truth. Judging by their reaction, if they were open to it or closed to it, He would respond accordingly. At times when people were open to being reasonable, then He would continue on with His interaction with them. Other times, when people were closed to a reasonable mindset, He would leave them and go to another area where maybe different people would be more open to what He had to say.
All this to say, Jesus was not a doormat for abusive behavior, that is until the weekend of His arrest and crucifixion. I learned that even the Son of God established healthy boundaries with people. He did not accept unreasonable behavior or attitudes. He would confront harmful patterns when necessary and this is from Someone who was the Greatest Love of All!
There are many resources for learning how to establish respectful boundaries like books (Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend for instance), Biblical counseling, support groups, Bible studies, etc. The important factor is that boundaries are established so that repeat offenders are kept in check. Accountability is key for healthier relationships.
It is not unreasonable to distance yourself or set up other boundaries from those who keep bringing harmful patterns of behavior. What is unreasonable is to accept destructive interactions from others all in the name of “love”. Jesus taught us what real Godly love looks like and it included standing up for what is right.
It is unreasonable to accept destructive behavior or attitudes all in the name of love. Biblical love includes accountability. Share on XWhat Will Foster Forgiveness
Once healthy boundaries are in place and emotional wounds are able to heal without repeated injuries, then forgiveness is much more conducive. It is a reasonable expectation that we can forgive repeat offenders with the appropriate boundaries.
Striving to forgive someone who has unlimited access to your heart and life is not realistic nor does it represent Christ well. Unrealistic expectations promote frustration and hopelessness. When we love others fully, in truth, without entrusting ourselves to them, then we can forgive even the most challenging offenders.
That, my friends, is freedom through Christ!
Gayl says
I guess I never thought about the boundaries Jesus had, but you are right. When people weren’t receptive, he moved on to those who were. Even though we are to continually forgive, we do not have to continue to suffer abuse. Sometimes we may need to move on. ” When we love others fully, in truth, without entrusting ourselves to them, then we can forgive even the most challenging offenders.” We entrust ourselves to God rather than people.
Blessings to you, Gretchen! I’m your neighbor at #HeartEncouragement
Gretchen Fleming says
So grateful for your visit Gayl ?? Blessings friend!
Debbie Williams says
Lots of detail here. Good stuff Gretchen.
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks Debbie! Hope you have a great Friday!
Camille says
Amen!!! Needed this today!
Gretchen Fleming says
Love and hugs friend☺️? Hope you get to feeling better soon!
Rachel Lee says
Oh Gretchen- this is SO powerful! And good! I love your final statement- “When we love others fully, in truth, without entrusting ourselves to them, then we can forgive even the most challenging offenders.” Amen to all of this!
Interestingly, I wrote about a very similar topic this week too! I think that forgiving those who are closest to us, again and again, IS harder! Sometimes, just the repeated sight of our offender, can cause us to re-live the assault on our heart, and force the wound deeper. It’s a constant struggle for forgiveness and freedom.
Thanks for sharing this word with us today!
Gretchen Fleming says
So true Rachel! You are exactly right. Thanks for stopping by !
Brenda says
Wow, Gretchen, this is so good. Thank you. Years ago, I finally had to create some boundaries with loved ones, and it’s always helpful to have other godly people affirm that hard decision. Of course, we don’t look to others when making choices, but to God. But, it’s always a gift when others understand and are willing to “go there.” — One thing that helped me, was letting go of expectations. Yes, so-and-so *should* do X, but expecting them to will only cause me stress. Ya know? — Anyway, thanks for sharing! xoxo
Gretchen Fleming says
Great point Brenda, changing our expectations is a must when a repeated offender does not change. It can make a world of difference. Thanks friend for visiting!
Rebecca Jones says
This is extremely helpful, and you are right, family is harder to deal with.
Gretchen Fleming says
So glad it was helpful Rebecca! Blessings friend!
Melanie Redd says
Amen, Gretchen!
Great and wise words here today.
Sure do appreciate you and your ministry~
Blessings,
Melanie
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you Melanie! Hope you are feeling better!
Nicole Kauffman says
Powerful post with so much truth on a difficult topic. This one hits close to home for me so I’m grateful for the gracious way you encourage us to the truth!!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thank you, Nicole! I appreciate your encouragement!
Beth says
Wonderful thoughts, Gretchen! I have a real heart for the issue of forgiveness, since I’ve struggled personally to forgive certain people–“reoffenders”–in my life. I love that your post touches on so many levels that are important to understand, as well as anchoring this biblically. Quite the task! But you did it so well! I’ll be sharing for sure!
Gretchen Fleming says
Thanks so much Beth! So appreciated my friend!
Ashley Rowland | HISsparrowBlog says
You’ve hit the nail on the head as they say. My husband and I were just talking about this (in a slightly different context) last night, and I said there’s a difference in being meek and humble and being a doormat. Jesus was meek and humble, but never a doormat. Even during His arrest and crucifixion, He was strong. It amazes me that we can make connections but fail to apply them in all the necessary places, because although I made that connection, I failed to apply it in the area you’ve talked about here. Thank you for helping me see that. I definitely needed it!
Coming to you via the Grace and Truth linkup.
Gretchen Fleming says
So glad it was useful Ashley! Jesus is my hero for how He handled rejection and condemnation in a loving yet firm way. Love how He lived contrary to dysfunction. lol
Jill Holler says
I have read the book Boundaries and it opened my eyes to some amazing truths, as did your article. I used to think I had to give everything and do everything for everyone, but that was not healthy. Thanks for sharing this great post!
Gretchen Fleming says
I can sure relate to that. Seems like being a people pleaser makes one especially vulnerable to repeat offenders. Been there and done that. lol
Dani M. says
“I have learned that sometimes what keeps people from taking responsibility for their repeating offenses is that they have their own emotional baggage so heavy that they are emotionally and spiritually blind to the truth. Self-deception or self-denial have them in bondage.” LOVED this point! We must create boundaries, but when we do interact with a “repeat offender” we have to continue to share grace and truth, that they may be led to Christ by our mercy and strength in Him. Prayer is so key! Thank you for addressing all this.
Gretchen Fleming says
Exactly. Just because someone else is ugly doesn’t give us permission to be that way.
Karen Woodall says
I was just talking about this topic with some people recently. this was a good resource to reference for a follow-up conversation with them. thank you for putting this together!
Gretchen Fleming says
My pleasure Karen and thanks for visiting with me?
Wllwn says
Than you for clarification. It really puts things into perspective. I also have the book Boundaries. I will start reading it again. In the past I have put up so much abuse from people, including church. A lot of people tend to confuse forgiving with putting up with “bad” people. I think that’s how they get people stay in bad relations or keep bad connections with people. Such people won’t allow time for wounds to heal. I have frequently mentioned to people that wounds can’t heal if I am constantly surrounded by people who are offenders so I need to cut ties with these people. I think it also ought to include people who also make excuses for other people as well. I think that they word you used entrusted really struck me when you said Jesus did not entrust himself to everyone. I have the book Boundaries, which I love. I will re-read the book again-so worth it.